Shadowed Thoughts

Name meme

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:12:40 GMT

Borrowed from lucidscreamer. Using the initial for your first name, answer the following questions:

1. What is your name? Working with the initial 'K' (Bonus! Bringing you a semi-nautical theme, too. Arrrgh!)
2. A four letter word: Keen
3. A boy's name: Kelvin
4. A girl's name: Kara
5. An occupation: Knight (What? It doesn't say it has to be something contemporary.)
6. A color: Kelly Green (better than 'khaki' *blech*)
7. Something you wear: Kirtle
8. A food: Kabob
9. Something found in the bathroom: Kraken (well, not the average bathroom...)
10. A place: Kyoto
11. A reason for being late: Kraken-wrangling (in the shower -- in the morning -- don't ask!)
12. Something you shout: 'Keelhaul him!' (Okay, okay... more gently, 'King me!')
13. A movie title: Karate Kid
14. Something you drink: Kool-aid
15. A musical group: Kraftwerk
16. An animal: Komodo Dragon
17. A street name: Kingfisher Lane
18. A type of car: Khamsin (Maserati)
19. A song title: Kyrie
20. A verb: Kedge

So... So we have kelly green kirtle-wearing pirate siblings, Kara and Kelvin, who are shipping Khamsins and Komodo dragons to Kyoto where they will have to kedge their ship after keelhauling a krewemember (bonus 'k') for leaving hoofprints all over the deck in his 'keen'ness to be a knight. They are in such a foul mood today because they were not only late for their job of being mean pirate co-captains, but the kraken in their bathroom got completely out of hand and *gasp* squeezed the toothpaste from the close end and didn't flatten the tube as he went. It didn't help their moods at all that they missed their alarm (which runs on a special version of a water-clock, using Kool-aid) because they were up late the night before noshing on kabobs and watching Karate Kid researching Japan. (Obviously, our illogical pirates aren't very bright.) As techno-music from Kraftwerk (Kelvin's favorite group) starts to play on the ship's speakers, Kara thinks longingly of her little house on Kingfisher Lane where she likes to play the song Kyrie and sing to it. Off-key. Badly.

Yeah, Iz shuld be sleepin' (but LOLcats iz moar fun!)

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 08:12:38 GMT

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

more animals

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PSP version)

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:47:37 GMT

I've been playing the PSP version of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, the unlockable game on Castlevania Chronicles. It's fun, because there are some subtle differences from both the PS1 English version, and the PS1 Japanese version I've played before. I'm balanced between liking both english dubs (the first one for the PS1 was admittedly a bit over-acted, but I like it anyway) and of course, I adore the Japanese vocal track (Ryotaro Okiayu is the best Alucard). They've added Fairy (so there are now two -- Faerie and Fairy) and N. Demon (for Nose Demon) they were in one of the Japanese versions of Castlevania. There are a few other changes to more or less make this version the best intersection of the elements of all the versions from the different game platforms. Castlevania:SOTN is one of my all-time favorite games, and I'm quite pleased with this PSP version.

The second Fairy has this nifty thing she does once she's high enough level -- there are a few places in the game where Alucard can interact with the background elements enough to sit down in a chair. If he sits for long enough, he nods off (little Z's stream from his head -- it's terribly cute!) Also, if he stops for long enough, either of the fairies will alight on his shoulder (it's funny when you move again, as the fairy in question will scream and fall toward the ground before catching herself and starting to fly again). So, if Alucard sits in a chair long enough to fall asleep, and he has Fairy at a high enough level, she sings to him. This happened in one of the Japanese versions of the game.

She sings this:

Nocturne

megami wa eien no shiawase no naka de
nageki tsuzukete wa utau NOKUTAAN

ai wa owaru inochi mo tsukiru, sore nara
onaji toki ni ito wo kitte

kamigami no kawaki ga umi no oto wo keshi
muku na ookami wa kodoku ni taeru

yume wa sameru yoru mo akeru, sono mae ni
chigau basho ni hari wo mukete

(Which I have found translated into english:)

The goddess is in Eternal happiness
My continuing sorrow Is the nocturne I sing

Love Ends Life also runs out, If that happens
At the same Time Cut the thread

The thirst of the gods Makes the sound of the ocean disappear
The innocent wolf Endures in loneliness

Dreams Awaken Dawn also breaks, Before that
To a different Place The needle points

This entire song was rewritten and sung for the new PSP version. I think they got the same voice actress who does the new vocal tracks ("I am with you, Alucard!" she says when you first summon her) to sing the song. It's the same music as the Japanese version, which is kind of neat. I've been trying to find the lyrics for this new english version online, to no avail. I listened over and over to get this much of is. The words I am not sure of are between slashes. Perhaps, if I listen again at a different time, the syllables that aren't quite clear to me today will be easier to understand, and I'll know for sure what she's singing.

Nocturne (English Version)

Here the goddess of happiness cries
And in this time this lullaby
Sings her song of the dream she has
The sadness fills her eyes

And if all
Love is gone
No more dreams to dream about /so light the star/
If it's sung
Cut the thread
It's time to let it go

Tears they flow to the thirst of the gods
The oceans' roars drowned out my /prayer/
Blame this wolf carries all alone
The silence now surrounds

Sooner than /dreaming has/
Morning of the dawn will bring another day
Turn around
You have found
A different place to dream

You know your (writing) muse is insane when...

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 09:26:58 GMT

--He (or she) is one of a multitude. A friend of mine once described how she envisioned my writing process. There is a vast, circular area surrounded by little rooms, each one of which has a door opening into this central area. Each room is designated for a muse, but they'd rather be milling about in the center, chatting, drinking wine, coffee, or other, and mingling like it's a giant party. She figured this is why I tend to write so many crossovers in my fanfiction. This idea (as does the second one below) does explain my currently rather undisciplined approach to writing, so I call it my Musetorium.

--He (or she) will sit and listen patiently while I explain how I want the story to go (via outline). The more honest ones will pat me on the head halfway through the outline presentation and tell me straight out we aren't doing that. The more violent ones shred my outlines with swords. The more sadistic of my muses will allow me to start writing according to said outline, lull me into complacency that for once I will get to actually write a story according to plan, and then veer off into parts unknown while I scream in frustration.

--He (or she) is in the back of my head much of the time snarking at my own, or other's writing. Since when did my muse(s) decide they were writing critics?

--He is Seto Kaiba. Just sayin'! (He knows I don't like him. He knows that it took his voice actor being an incredibly nice person to make me stop loathing him completely, and develop any sort of tolerance for his mere presence. He knows that Mahaad is my favorite character. He knows that I have zero use for him, zero tolerance for arrogant people, and no interest in his self-importance. He still hangs around and gives me ideas of stories to write for him. Grr!)

--He is Dracula. Just sayin'! #2. (He knows he is the number one evil bad villain who scared the daylights out of me when I was younger, and the only reason I even tolerate vampires now is his incredibly hot, surrepticiously caring, awesome half-human sons D and Alucard. Yet, he has still moved into my Musetorium, coffin and all, and thinks he is the Plot King. Auuuurgh!)

--He is the Magician of Black Chaos. Just sayin'! #3. (He knows what he does to my hormones, and he delights in percolating them even more than he does when he is in his Mahaad or Dark Magician guise. He also knows that Mary Sue stories will never see the light of day, yet he wants me to write them. *headdesk*)

Musical journeys -- a Ghost Notes post

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 21:09:25 GMT

There was a time when I preferred to listen to music without words. When I was in this phase, I listened to quite a bit of 'New Age' music, specifically that offered by the Narada label, which tended to have more interestingly melodic offerings in their New Acoustic and New Age Fusion collections than the rest of the 'New Age' offerings at that time. My avid interest in RPG video games led me to collect soundtracks of some of my favorite video game music, mostly the music from the Final Fantasy series, Xenogears, Chrono Trigger and other Square/Enix games -- with one notable exception being Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, which is a Konami game. My rekindled interest in anime (because some of Square's games have distinct anime touches to the cut-scenes) brought me to appreciate JRock and JPop music, which has led me back to listening to rock music, complete with lyrics, again.

Ghosty's 'That Modern Rock Show' is helping me to 'catch up' on the music I missed while taking my round-about way here. My favorite band of all is the Eric Stuart Band, but, as there are no tracks available on Project Playlist, they aren't represented in my player below. (Please follow the link in the band name to sample some of their music on their MySpace profile page.)

If you are so inclined, you can find a pretty good representation of the kind of music I like to listen to best in the player linked below.

The chain quiz!

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 06:01:39 GMT

Evidently, started by Tex-chan, I discovered it in Crystal's LJ.

Your Score: House Targaryen

54% Dominant, 54% Extroverted, 81% Trustworthy

Ancient. Noble. Passionate to the point of insanity. Transcending lesser beings, you are of House Targaryen.

You are a dominant personality—in fact, you are the most dominant of all eight house types. You will not suffer yourself to be ignored. You will not suffer yourself to be ruled. The phrase "I will not suffer myself to _____!" was practically made for you. You are willful, arrogant, and exceedingly dangerous to screw with. With a temper like yours, anyone stupid enough to saunter into your line of fire won’t soon forget their mistake.

You are also extroverted, which means that everyone in the world knows exactly what your intentions are. Unlike your cohorts (who hide behind smiles and courtesies and court politics), you think of it as your birthright to come riding in on an enormous dragon, breathing fire and fucking your siblings. Hey, what you lack in subtlty, you make up in style!

Finally, you are trustworthy. Your absurd amounts of power and borderline psychosis are not used unjustly. Unlike many, your general aims are just and true. You we bred for rule, and the fact that you cannot rest until you are doing so is not your fault. If you make up your mind, it becomes reality. Never one for empty threats or vainglorious lies, you can only speak the truth. And the truth is "fire and blood."

Representative characters include: Daenerys Stormborn, Rhaegar Targaryen, and Viserys Targaryen

Similar Houses: Baratheon, Lannister,and Tully

Opposite House: Frey

When playing the game of thrones, you play it to the death.

Link: The Song of Ice and Fire House Test written by Geeky_Stripper on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

The only thing I have to say about this result, is I've been writing a fair number of fan-fics with Seto Kaiba. I'm thinking that annoying dragon-boy must be rubbing off on me! (This result sure seems more like him, raving psychotic dragon-obsessed loon that he is, than li'l, ol', meek, mild-mannered me! (Of course, Himself and his Bloody Brood like this draconic result, too. Good thing, because I really want to start writing in the VHD fandom again!)

So not a good omen!

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 11:54:13 GMT

I just woke up. I'm bleary-eyed and muzzy, with the sort of unsettled feeling that tells me my dreams were anything but sweet and my sleep anything but restful.

Waking up, in the most sing-songy, bratty, resentful sort of mental voice I have, my brain informed me, "Double-parking Teletubbies ate my birthday cake!"

WTF, brain, just WTF.

Wait.

I really don't want to know.

Really.

*is very scared*

Stolen from Tex-chan

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 18:31:42 GMT

Your Score: Lion Warning Cat

77% Affectionate, 74% Excitable, 28% Hungry

You are the good Samaritan of the lolcat world. Protecting others from danger by shouting observations and guidance in cases of imminent threat, you believe in the well-being of everyone.

To see all possible results, checka dis.

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test written by GumOtaku on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I'm in catch-up mode

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 14:24:20 GMT

Sometimes when real life jumps up and smacks you around, you have to step back from the 'virtual life' just to process it all. Real life is finally starting to settle a bit, so here's the update.

My sister gave birth to a healthy, beautiful little girl June 27th. My new niece weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces, and measured 20.5 inches. My sister is doing well, too, no complications from the c-section delivery, despite her very strange blood chemistry.

It was very pleasant to have Dad stay with me this past week. He had come up from Florida to help my sister and brother-in-law with the rest of their children, since my sister was in the hospital for a few days post-delivery, and then there are the frequent well-baby checks the first week.

I really missed seeing everyone at Anime Expo this year. The change in my medical coverage, with its insane deductible now ($1200 -- and the procedure I must have every single year that more than meets that) means that I'm more or less out of active cel collecting, which is sad because that is a hobby I enjoy, but it does give me more energy to focus on my friends from the hobby, gushing over their galleries and being an auction cheerleader for them. Anyway, I wished I could have gone to Expo, and owe all of my roommates there a phone call. ^_~

The house seems really empty now. I still catch myself feeling anxious at 8 in the mornings and evenings -- the time that for the past eight years I would give Gus his insulin injections. Whenever I push my chair away from my computer, I'm wary because Gus used to lie down on the floor behind my chair and I'd inadvertantly threaten him with the chair's casters. I keep expecting his semi-cranky "Hey! I'm sleepin' here!" meow and it doesn't come, anymore.

On the plus side of things, I'm finally able to listen to music, again. I still tear up because I do miss Gus fiercely, and I'm in that not-nice place of second-guessing all my decisions with him and feeling guilty, but it's a tiny step toward wholeness again. Small stirrings of wanting to write, draw, and paint have started up again, too.

My birthday managed to sneak under the radar of quite a few people this year. *grin* I announced on the ROSE game forum that I was going to 'free-craft' (make in-game items for free with my Dealer's crafting skill) in honor of my birthday, and wound up having people throw me a 'party' instead, which introduced me to many new friends in-game. Some crazy ones built a zulie tower (zulie is the money in the game, when you drop it a treasure chest appears. If you keep dropping 1 zulie chests, they stack up on each other) and, in a weird, but fun game glitch, you can build around an NPC and lift him up into the air on the tower. Warren, the village chief in Zant, wound up at the top of a tower that was by scale, about 80 feet tall. They tried to dump him on the roof of the building behind him, but it didn't work.

Lancealot, one of my long-standing, wonderful game friends, threw a fireworks party for me, and then gave me 4 of the hard-to-find level 100 Dealer skill books as a birthday gift. ^_^ I can't wait until I'm high enough level to use them.

So...I think my hermit-mode is starting to lift. I might still retreat once in a while, for a day or two, but not for long. It is going to be a long while before I'm strong enough to consider finding a new cat companion (I like raising my cats from kittens, and my life isn't as good for kittens now since I'm at work 8 hours a day -- I don't want the poor little guy to be lonely!) if ever, but...

I might get a new betta fish. Hotohori was a cool fishie-friend, and while I was sad when he died, it wasn't as devastating. My sister is suggesting that I name a new fish 'Sushi'.

(I'm hoping to find a purple one I can call 'Mahaad', or a red one I can call 'Suzaku'. If I'm lucky enough to find a black-and-red one, it might be 'Himself'. I doubt I can find a betta fish wearing either a low-brimmed traveller's hat or a swishy cape, so I think D and Alucard are safe. *wickedgrin*)

I wonder what Himself thinks...

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 11:57:04 GMT

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap_travel/20070702/ap_tr_ge/travel_brief_dracula_s_castle

*snicker*

A ROSE post that got too long for the forum ^_^()

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 18:07:41 GMT

Probability, in games, is a heck of a lot of fun.

I used to play face-to-face, dice-randomized RPGs quite a lot, starting -- wow, about 23 years ago. (Now I feel really, really old! I'm sure I'm not the only one 'thac0' has meaning for, tho'! ^_~)

After a while, an instinct for probability developed naturally. Base 10 is easy for many people to grasp, so calculating the chance of a successful roll on a d10 (10-sided die) or d100 (two 10-sided dice, one for the tens and one for the ones) in any given situation becomes second nature after a while. All of us use it to some extent, as percentages in our mundane lives.

Probability for something like d4, d6 (which is fairly well-known to anyone who gambles with standard dice), d8, d12, d20 and so forth is different. Quick, which is better, a weapon that does 1d10 or one that does 2d4? All other attributes being equal, attack speed, accuracy, thac0 and so forth, I'd take the 2d4 weapon.

Here's why:

The single 10-sided die of damage does give you the chance to roll a 10 as the result 10% of the time, but it also gives you the chance for a 1 10% of the time as well. The 2 4-sided dice of damage gives you 8, the maximum damage, 12.5% of the time, but the least damage you can do is 2, which you also can get 12.5% of the time. But, it's not really quite so straightforward. In order to get a 2 as a result on the 2d4, you must first roll a 1 on the first die. The chance of this is one in four, or 25%. You must then roll a 1 on the second die roll, which is also a one in four chance. Ultimately, the mean average chance of rolling anything from a 1 to a 10 on the d10 is 10%, and the mean average of rolling anything from a 2 to an 8 on the 2d4 is 12.5% -- but, in a way, you have to be 'unlucky' twice in a row in the 2d4 die roll to get the worst result. It's a very subtle difference, but over time, the 2d4 seems to render more stable, and higher average damage than the d10.

That's a very simple probability model, as the only variable is the damage per die, and the number of dice rolled per attempt. Consider: the more interesting games (at least for face-to-face, die-randomized RPGs back in the day) had more complex probability matrices. What if the refining matrix for ROSE, with its guaranteed ability to refine to a (3), uses a two (or more) variable formula for success? It seems as if it really must, since the majority of people are sensing a difference in refines and drill successes, now. The GMs have stated that there has been no change to the success (since the 'guaranteed to three' refining change) and there's no reason to believe they'd not be truthful to us. Therefore, the only change is the number of attempts to refine items/add slots both by individuals, and across the population of the game.

Some people used to 'rest' an item after gaining a refine level. Perhaps, after a success, the next refine success chance drops by 1%. What if this variable is 1% per current refine level? Your chance to fail has gone from 1%, when you start, to 5% trying from (4) to (5). Now, what if this is a cumulative effect? That is base 1% failure rate, add 2% (going from 1 - 2), plus 3% (2 - 3) -- under the new refine system, these chances to fail might be 'masked' until you go to (3 - 4) picking up another 4% handicap, then 5% (4 - 5) and so on. Going from a 4 to a 5 now has a whopping 15% chance to fail! 5 - 6 can fail 21% of the time, 28% would be the failure going 6 - 7, 7 - 8 is 36% and 8 - 9 is 45% likely to fail. That's a significant jump in failure rate per level. Now, what if you 'rest' the item for 10 minutes/percent (or current item refine level)? If you wait 50 minutes (in the simple 1% per level model), the chance to fail has reverted back to 1% -- assuming that 'resting' an item actually has any sort of an effect. (ALL of this is just supposition -- a what if it's this way? -- on my part. I have no real idea of the variables at play in refining success/failure rates.)

Ah, but what if there's a multiple variable system in play? What if the number of minutes in battle between refine attempts, or the level of the character attempting to refine, or the number rendered by your Charm divided by your highest stat somehow comes into play, too? The chance to succeed/fail has become a completely unknown variable, and only very tedious, zulie-expensive, well-documented, rigidly controlled attempts (scientific method, anyone?) at refining will reveal a winning combination of events to reduce the failure rate of high refine attempts to 'acceptable' levels -- assuming that there even is any sort of action players can take to change one of the variables.

I used to play-test a fair number of face-to-face RPG systems, back in the day (I used to work in a gaming store). One of the things the designers were always looking for was 'game balance'. Was the effort-versus-reward ratio too high (was it too frustrating to 'earn' a reward in the game -- or was the reward too puny for the effort and game resources expended to earn it)? Was the ratio too low and thus unsastifying? Each of us who play-tested, at one point in our favorite games, had had a 'godly' character. Funny thing -- godly characters are a heck of a lot of fun -- for about twenty minutes. With no challenge and no ability to grow in any sort of measurable way "you overkilled Gormgoth the Mighty, in one shot, by a thousand points, and gained 100 levels! Hernstance the Invincible is reduced to atomic dust with your backswing (of the same attack, mind you), because you overkilled him by a million points!" they quickly become boring.

It's long been my belief that we have certain extremely juvenile individuals (no one on this forum, I'm certain!) to thank for the fact the beta closed when it did, before the ROSE team was able to do more than get a general sense of where this effort-to-reward balance point makes the most number of players happy. People get discouraged if it's too hard. Others get bored when things are too easy. I think this is one of the game refinements that Leonis and his team are paying attention to. But, the research for something like this takes a while. Changes that are too sudden or too drastic tend to make people unhappy. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there is one person on the GM team who is paying particular attention whenever refines (and things like drill successes) are brought up on the forums or in 1 on 1 questions and comments, and is keeping track. If too many people, who otherwise don't complain about the random aspects of the game that are deemed to be 'balanced' by the GMs, are found to be complaining, I am certain the GMs pay attention.

My 'gut' feeling about refine and drill successes and failures changing with the new drop system? I wonder if it might not be a hidden 'two (or more)-factor' matrix. People have discussed, sometimes with a bit of heat, if the success and failure of people refining around you matters to your refine chances. Technically, perhaps it shouldn't. But, I recall mobs of people around both the refine NPC in Breezy Hills (Mairaith?), and Crune in Junon Polis, with their item and materials all loaded up, fingers itching to hit the 'go' bar, waiting for someone else to get that gaudy 'failure' thinking that trying a tricky refine right after someone else's failure gave one a better chance for success. Well, with so many more refining materials, and drills dropping and being used in game, perhaps that is a more perceptible part of the variable now. If 100 people throughout the channel are trying to drill at the same time, perhaps only a handful really have a shot at a success.

It could well be that there was no change at all to the refine or drill system accompanying the change to the drop system. It could be this change is the result of that many more refine and drill attempts being made -- sort of pointing to the fact there is more than just a simple, straight percent chance to succeed/fail to refine or add a slot to an item. It could also be that more people, with more readily available refines and drills, are more willing to risk refining higher, or drilling more equipment. More attempts per person = more failures per person, too. (And, of course, luck *does* play a role in everything, no matter how supposedly perfectly 'random' things are supposed to be. I, for one, have rotten luck, so I'm not looking forward to trying to drill equipment when I finally get there!)

Gus is dead

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 05:41:01 GMT

He died this morning, at about 12:20, in my arms. It was not a good day for him, and I would give anything to wind time back and be more forceful with the vet on Friday. I suspected Gus wasn't doing too well, and wanted him to stay at the vet's over the weekend (on an i.v. drip since he wasn't eating) but the vet said to take him home -- he was sure Gus would eat.

I would have much prefered to get a call tomorrow, telling me that Gus wasn't doing well (he would have had three days of nutrition I wasn't able to coax into him, so he'd still be alive -- and under the closer, longer observation of the vet, I think Dr. Dan would have a truer idea of Gus' condition) and that now was the time to be kind and let him go gently. It would have been better on Gus, and better on me, too.

As you can expect, I've been a wreck for the past hour -- well more than the wreck I've been all weekend. If I sleep tonight, it's because I cried myself there.

It's all too new for me to process. Gus has been a part of my life for the past seventeen years, and I don't even want to think about coming home to this house knowing that he's not here. I'd love to write a tribute for him, but, it's going to be a while. Right now, I have to somehow figure out how to work around this gaping void where my heart used to be.

Dear, sweet Gussie, please, rest in peace. Just like your predecessor, whose name, in part, you bore, you were a most excellent cat. I'm going to miss you.

LOL at my weirdness number!

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 17:12:04 GMT

So, kmktr, your LiveJournal reveals...

You are... 4% unique (blame, for example, your interest in yu-gi-oh hexors) and 9% herdlike (partly because you, like everyone else, enjoy writing). When it comes to friends you are normal. In terms of the way you relate to people, you are keen to please. Your writing style (based on a recent public entry) is intellectual.

Your overall weirdness is: 42

(The average level of weirdness is: 27.
You are weirder than 84% of other LJers.)

Find out what your weirdness level is!

Does this mean my weirdness is the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything? *impudent grin*

*Doesn't mind at all being 'herdlike' because of her writing*

Menu Foods has expanded cat and dog food recall

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 02:23:06 GMT

It's the same link as before. It seems as though the culprit is an abortifant/cancer drug/rodenticide (!) that they think may have wound up contaminating a supply of the wheat gluten they use in pet foods.

I'm scanning now to find cat food recipes, because quite frankly, I'm afraid to buy anything from the stores now to feed my cat.

http://www.catkb.com/uwe/Forum.aspx/cat/1055/Cat-Food-Recipes

http://www.catnutrition.org/recipes.html

http://kittychef.com/?s_cat_recipe_id= (lots of do-able recipes on this one)

I'll keep adding them as I find them!

Serious! All cat and dog owners -- please read!

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 22:57:13 GMT

It seems there is a serious recall of various 'wet' dog and cat foods manufactured by Menu Foods containing 'cuts and gravy'. These include some national brands (Iams, Eukanuba) and some store brands including Companion and Special Kitty which I know are sold in my market.

http://www.menufoods.com/recall/

They are not quite certain of the actual contamination, but it appears to have caused kidney failure resulting in death in a few cases of cats and dogs so far in the US. Strangely enough the news release says it's not for release over US new services, even though I just found out about it on Channel News 4.

Please, if you have a cat or a dog, and you use either canned or pouch 'wet' food, follow the link to look at the recall list. The start of Gus' kidney disease predates this whole mess (we've been worried about his values for the past several months) but I can assure you that it's not fun at all to have to administer subcutaneous fluids to your pet. Please make certain your cat or dog isn't at risk.

Haydie was right! O.o

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 23:45:15 GMT

I just received this in an email and thought I'd share:

Angry squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel.

This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.

Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in . well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.

Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

All friends please read

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 16:27:06 GMT

I had been getting upward of one hundred bulk/junk emails a day in my email box about a month ago. As has happened in the past, Yahoo tightened their filters (I assume) and it dropped to nothing. Now, I'm getting a trickle, about twenty a day.

I've been getting reply notices from LJ, new message alerts from MySpace, review and update alerts from ff.net and the like, so I didn't realize that Yahoo was killing some of my non-bulk mail until both Naomi and Tex-chan let me know they're getting emails they sent to me bounced back to them. Evidently, even Rubberslug feedback isn't working, as one of Tex-chan's bounced.

If I haven't replied to an email you sent, it's not that I don't want to. It's that I never received it. I was wondering what I had done wrong that no one wants to talk to me anymore. *nervous laugh*

If you've sent an email that I haven't replied to, please understand I'm not ignoring you. I'm not getting them. Please, post here if this has happened so that I can see about reconnecting with you. I'd hate to lose any of my friends because of the shortcomings of technology.

Ups and downs

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 17:32:33 GMT

The down first -- my brother-in-law has been in severe pain ever since he broke his ankle when he was twelve years old. It never healed properly, basically the bone never stopped growing and trying to repair the break, so it's been throwing shards of bone into the surrounding soft tissue. He's had numerous surgeries over the years to go in, clean out as much of the bone fragments as they could to give him some measure of relief from the pain. Each procedure has been more exotic and borderline-experimental than the last, offered less relief for a shorter period of time afterward, and robbed him of more of his mobility.

He's in surgery now, having finally gotten the doctor to agree that amputation is the only option that will give him not only relief from the pain, but also, once he's recovered and has been fit for a prosthetic, a far greater measure of mobility to his life back.

So, I'm asking for prayers and well-wishes for my brother-in-law, that the surgery goes well, that the radiation of the terminus of his bone works, halting this out-of-control growth, and that his recovery is complete and uncomplicated. He's looking at about six weeks recovery before he's healed enough to start the fitting for the prosthetic.

Gus is hanging in there with up days and down days. On the plus side, his down days aren't as down as before, and he's willing to eat pretty much every day (even though sometimes he doesn't eat much). In the negative column, I think he's lost a bit more weight. He's going to be boarded at the vet this weekend, which should help, as they can use the more-effective intravenous appetite stimulants instead of the oral one I'm using at home.

Now, for the 'up' part of this post --

ESB's concert sold out! Eric took a look at the number of people who didn't have reservations who wanted to attend, and decided to hold a second concert on the same night. Before, he was going to end the concert at 10:00pm and then have a party until about 11:00pm or so. Now, he's going to end the first concert earlier (I do hope he plans on taking a bit of an intermission between sets just to relax a bit) and start a second concert/set at 9:30pm. The nifty thing is, he's graciously invited out-of-towners who have reservations for the 7:00pm show *raises hand* to stay for the second set! As he put it, 'two concerts for the price of one. What a deal!' He might stay after that last set to meet and greet fans, too, so I'm in a happy haze of anticipation of a very fun night. Oh, and the icing on this particular cake is that Eric moved me onto his first page of 'friends' on MySpace! I know I won't be there for long, since he's only got a few spaces not already devoted to such luminaries as Peter Frampton, but it's still an honor and a thrill (especially as it's the very week of his concert for the release of his new CD).

Oh, in case you want to listen to a sample of his music -- Eric Stuart's MySpace

And, I'm scooting off back to work.

*scoot*

In defense of present tense (first person)

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 20:22:01 GMT

I'm dismayed that so many people whose writing ability commands my respect (and discreet envy) loathe reading anything written in present tense.

It's not the first time I've embraced something contrary to what everyone else does, something highly despised even, and I'm certain it won't be the last.

I know I'm not about to change anyone's mind with this, either, but I can't just stifle it anymore, so here goes:

I don't know about you, but I've got a very active interior voice. This interior voice isn't narrating my life in some sort of disinterested third person point of view, it's got ego and it's not afraid to use it. Snarky interior comments about the patient giving my a hard time are hidden behind a hopefully serene and helpful smile; the soul-stopping awe I often feel at seeing a perfectly blue sky becomes short-handed into an "Oooooh! Pretty!" by that self-same inner voice so that I don't stop stock-still in the midst of traffic and get run over, and the examples could go on.

It's been mentioned that there is a sort of 'sameness' to the voice of all first person, present tense stories. I suppose that's true. I know I tend to like the more intelligent characters, so I postulate that their interior voices reflect that intelligence. I don't particularly want to write from a stupid person's point of view. In a way, that could be an unexpected, unrecognized observation about a hidden homogeny of the human race if most first person, present tense stories contain a unified thematic 'voice' that is indistinguishable from writer to writer -- pointing out, yet again, that under everything, we are more like, than unlike, each other.

My first attempts at writing were poetry, and not poetry about external things, but abstracts about emotions and thoughts -- written in first person, usually present tense. It wasn't until years later that I began to write poetry in third person. I guess this is why this person and tense is so comfortable for me to write.

I find I reach toward writing in first person present tense for a few reasons. One of them is that I want the piece to have that immediacy people have mentioned. Another, sneakier reason is that I want the reader, through the point of view of the character, to feel as if they have all the knowledge they need -- only to find they don't. It's a way for me to set up plot twists and surprises -- by suckering the reader along with the character. Mean, but...

Finally, I want the words to disappear. The most effective use of makeup is when you don't see it, you see the enhanced beauty of the person as the effect of the makeup. I'm trying to do that when I write. I want the writing itself to fade into such a transparency it's almost as if I'm telepathically controlling your interior voice to project my story directly into your imagination. The writers who have done this most effectively to me? Edgar Allen Poe, Ambrose Bierce and Isaac Asimov. Those are the heroes who've set the bar against which I measure myself.

In Poe's case, his use of disturbingly lyrical imagery pulls one into the mindset of his chosen, usually insane, character. In Asimov's case, the very sparseness of description most accurately mirrors my own internal voice (minus the random "Ooooh, pretties!" that I'm prone to). When I finish reading a story, and it's a shock to look up from the pages of a mundane book because the world the writer created in my head is so much more vivid and real than words on a page...

That's my goal. I'm trying to write so well that the words and technique, the delivery system, cease to matter and all that makes an impression is the story itself. I think I'm far too maladroit with third person, past tense to ever achieve this effect, and so, I reach toward the writing that most consistently does it to me as my model.

Poor, despised, maligned first person present tense, in the hands of a good writer, is what does the trick for me. I know I'll never hold enough skill with third person, past tense (the most common point of view of all) to ever amount to anything as a writer, so, I'll struggle along trying to discern the voice my writing is supposed to have, and hope that someday, I can write something worthy of being read.

I dunno. Maybe it's because I trust these writers that I can suspend disbelief thoroughly enough for their writing to work. I'm not good enough a writer to instill that same level of trust in those who read my stories. Perhaps I never will be.

But, if I am to be remembered for something I managed to do well in my life, I don't want to be remembered as a good writer. I want to be remembered as a good story-teller. I want the writing to be good enough to disappear, so that only the story remains. Then, I just have to hope that the story is one people want to share with me.

Gus of the freaky eyes!

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 03:07:17 GMT

So, I got a very basic (under $20) digital camera today. I've had rotten luck with cameras, in general, and their digital brethern, in particular, for years. So, until I figure out what I'm doing, I'm not going to spend a lot of money on a camera.

The 'low' setting gets me 100 pictures, but the quality is, well, not there. The pic above is on the 'high' setting (only 25 pics on this setting), just to give you an idea.

The subject? Gussie, of course! So all of you can have a glimpse of my sweetie (even though he's being grumbly that I took his pic).

He's been turning his nose up at his food for the past two days. He picks at it, but he's not really eating it. I gave him his subcutaneous fluid treatment yesterday, so he's not due until tomorrow. He's been on the appetite stimulant at twelve hour intervals for the past few days, so I'm hoping tomorrow is one of those days he eats every scrap of food in sight. His mood has been generally good (it's the not eating along with the moping that is so upsetting, especially if he's throwing up as well) so as long as he eats well tomorrow, things are about as good as they can be.

Weather Liars

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 19:43:43 GMT

http://weather.yahoo.com/forecast/USMD0177_f.html

Uhm, yeah. Visibility is nowhere near 5 miles and we've received more than 3 inches of snow already. Driving is a slick, take it rael slow and deliberate or you're gonna skid sort of affair. If the temperature does indeed drop enough to permit this to change over to freezing rain, sleet, cold rain -- what have you, and then we get a temperature drop tonight, tomorrow's rush-hour is going to be an unholy mess. Who am I kidding; it's going to be an unholy mess just with the snow we've already got on the ground. After all, this is the county that closes the schools if snow is even mentioned in the forcast, and closed them for 3 days straight just because there was still a bit of ice on the roads a week ago.

Gus Update

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 23:23:38 GMT

So, it's going to be a day by day sort of thing. Last night, I gave Gus his first subcutaneous fluid therapy -- well, tried to. The whole apparatus is a fluid-filled bag (like what is used in hospitals to administer fluids to humans), and hose leading to a fitting for the needle. Along the way there's a wheel and slide fitting that pinches the line closed. The idea is to insert the needle into a 'tent' of skin between Gus' shoulderblades and hold it in place while opening the line (rolling the wheel up in the slide so that it is no longer pinching the line closed) to allow 150cc to drip slowly into the cat just under his skin, which takes about ten minutes. Simple, right?

Not so much. First, there's the needle. It's a fairly large diameter, certainly when compared to the needle I use to give him his insulin, and it hurts Gus when I insert it. Then, there's the fact that he's become used to me injecting a small amount of fluid (his insulin, I believe the current dose is .1cc) and getting the needle back, all within about thirty seconds. So, this idea that I'm going to leave this huge needle in his back is not something my kitty is down with. Let me tell you, it was not fun to try to hold him down with one hand while reaching up with the other to roll the wheel up and get the flow going -- and when that fluid hit, he bucked, so I learned quickly it's best get that hand down again, pronto. It took about five sticks and aborted starts until I got one where he didn't tear the needle out with the first buck.

He yowled like I was killing him (for all I know, that's what he thought) and managed to get some good, hard bites in, too (nothing that broke the skin, but certainly bruised -- fellow cat 'owners' will know exactly what sort of bite this is). So, I've got a desperately bucking, snarling, biting, deceptively strong wild beast between my hands, along with a needle I'm trying to A) keep positioned properly to administer this fluid and B) not permit to rip through his skin during all of his gyrations. All told, I only managed to get about 100cc into him before he became too worked up and wild for me to willingly put him through more after he tore the needle out again. The vet said to let it go, and try to do the full dose Friday.

On the positive side, last night he ate willingly. In the wee hours of the morning he got up and ate at the food station up in my bedroom. This morning he ate when I gave him his insulin and oral meds (and didn't fight the insulin needle, I was a bit worried about that). He's been napping and eating all day. So far, he's eaten two cans of Fancy Feast and about a quarter cup of kibble. Since he's still down a bit more than a pound, I'm not going to hold him back from eating. He's not moping and I can tell just from how he's behaving that he feels better.

I spoke with someone yesterday afternoon dwhose cat lived about a year, a good year from the cat's point of view, on this very same therapy, so I'm not quite as depressed about it today as I was yesterday. My previous experience, with Ceasar, my first cat, was about a month more of life with that last week being a bad one. I was so worried that's what I was looking at with Gus, now.

Of course, it's far too early to tell anything. Tomorrow, I get to try to give Gus his fluid again, so we'll get to see if he will calm down and trust me to do it. Oh, the fluid, which really isn't much, pools in the pocket of skin on the nape of his neck and upper back, and evidently feels really weird. I can certainly understand why he doesn't like it! One concern is that by forcing his system to deal with this excess fluid (to help his kidneys clear toxins from his body) it's increasing the load on his heart. I'd really like to make it so the administration doesn't put him into a highly agitated state, as well.

So, how long this might help extend the delicate balancing act is anyone's guess, but, at least he had a good day today. He's eating, and jumping up and down off the couch easily instead of sort of sliding to the ground to get off, and working up the guts/strength to leap up as he had been doing before. I'll take every little triumph I can with him and put it in the win column. My goal is to string as many good days together in a row with him as I can. As long as I can do that, while I know that sadness lurks in the future, I can set that aside and enjoy the present with him now.

The end is near

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 16:13:56 GMT

Sooner rather than later for my cat, Gus. I took him in to the vet yesterday, because he was not eating, again. He hadn't quite gotten to that same level of lethargy that had so alarmed me two weeks ago, but it was creeping up on him. The vet just called with the blood test results, and they weren't good.

There was some good news yesterday. Gus' blood pressure was good, which surprised the vet a bit. His diabetes is perfectly under control and his urine, while too dilute, was not alarmingly full of waste products. Oh, and the blood in his urine was gone, so whatever infection he had responded to the antibiotic.

However, the blood test results for kidney waste products and his thyroid function were nowhere near as positive.

His thyroid level is elevated, and, since the vets know that the results are artificially depressed whenever there is another systemic condition involved, such as the diabetes, it's not merely a slight elevation. Gus has hyperthyroidism. Normally, we'd treat it to save the wear and tear on his heart from the ramped up metabolism, but, allowing it to run unchecked is something of a natural balance against the kidneys starting to fail. Treat the thyroid, increase the rate of failure of the kidneys.

So, here's the problem. He's got several major serious systemic diseases all vying for control of his little system. It might be possible to balance the ill effects of one against the actions of another, for a little while, and pick and choose which conditions to treat to what extent.

The kidney disease is the one that's the worst. There's no way to cure it, all we can do is treat it for however long we are able to maintain some level of good quality of life for Gus. This is killing me, for kidney disease is exactly what I faced 18 years ago with Ceasar. I remember administering subcutaneous fluids to him. It was torture on both of us. I didn't fully understand back then that I wasn't trying to support his system while his body could still cure itself, I was taking over the function of one of his vital organs, and there's only so long that can be done artificially.

So, today, I have to stop by the vets' on the way home and pick up the subcutaneous fluid administration kit. We are going to try three times a week for the first week, then twice a week and see if his values are better. One problem with Gus that I didn't have with Ceasar, aside from the diabetes, is that Gus does have the hyperthyroidism beating up on his heart, and administering fluids in this manner causes the heart to work harder, too.

His life has now become a tragic race. Will his heart or his kidneys give out first? How long can I support him, with some measure of a life of quality? At what point do I look my cat in the eyes, realize he's suffering, realize I can't stop it, and ask for that final act the vet can perform for him? How can I imagine that moment, holding him as his consciousness fades for the last time, knowing that he will never wake up again because that's what I asked for him?

I managed to keep Ceasar alive about a month longer than the vets thought I could. He'd keep rallying, having enough good days to balance the bad, and I thought, as long as he was willing to fight to stay alive, I was with him all the way. I wasn't there when he died. My mother and sister were. They've always told me it was best this way, because Ceasar's passing was not gentle. It was hard and full of pain. If I had only known, I would have done things differently for him in that last week of his life, because it was not a good week, at all. I could have spared him that, if only I had better understood what the situation, and the end result, were.

I don't want to make that same mistake with Gus, but, I don't want to give him too eagerly into death, either. I didn't realize 2007 was going to host yet another field trip to hell for me. With any luck at all, Gus responds well to this treatment, gains the full piggy vigor of his appetite back, and helps me to stymie the vets for quite a while longer (they are amazed at how well controlled his diabetes is, and that we've managed to control it for 8 years now).

I haven't even finished my morning cup of coffee yet!

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 13:17:27 GMT

Preschool by [omitted to protect the guilty from the pointing and laughing]
ONESHOT! All of the Sonic characters are together in Mr. Eggman's class. But what happens when the New boy, Chris Thorndyke, comes to town? R&R! rated T for language, mention of sex and blood.

What the heck kind of preschool did this author attend?! Preschool for vampires?! Language, sex and blood? In Sonic the Hedgehog?

Grawr!

Gussie is sick

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 20:12:07 GMT

I'll know a bit more later, but, yeah, Gus is sick.

He's been getting more and more picky about eating the past week, maybe week and a half. Saturday, he picked at his food, but didn't really eat. He threw up Satuday night in the wee hours into Sunday morning, and barely tried to eat Sunday. I didn't give him insulin Saturday PM or Sunday at all, since he wasn't taking any food in and he was noticeably weak.

So, this morning I dropped him off at the vets' on the way into work. I didn't want him to be by himself for ten+ hours without someone to at least encourage him to eat, and if they can figure out what's going on, we can do something for him. Dr. Dan called a little while ago. Gus' ketones (having to do with the kidney function) are okay -- that was a huge worry since they have been a bit wonky. He's lost a pound from his November weigh-in. There was blood in his urine, red blood cells, very few white ones, telling us...we don't know. Probably not an infection, which, honestly, would be not so bad as we could do something for it. He is running a low-grade fever, so, I'm hoping it is a mild infection we can clear up quickly.

The main bad thing is that the place where Dr. Dan extracted molars has developed a tumor. He'd been concerned that the teeth felt odd and came out funny, and that's the same side where Gus has had tearing of the eye for years. Perhaps having the tumor grow into his mouth is a good thing, if it relieves pressure from his sinuses and eye, but...if it's so tender he doesn't want to eat, that's not at all good.

Dr. Dan is giving him iv fluids, an antibiotic injection, and will try to tempt him with the very soft cat food they use for sick cats. There's nothing to be done about the tumor except -- and this is what is breaking my heart -- 'make him comfortable' and encourage him to eat. Normally, they would prescribe a steroid to help reduce the swelling, but we can't do that because of his diabetes.

So, I'll have an antibiotic, an appetite enhancer, and possibly a supply of the sick-cat food, and maybe something to reduce his nausea when I pick him up tonight.

I'm praying for him to rally, and for the tumor to calm down and grow very slowly (if at all). Dr. Dan says it's remarkable that we've been able to keep Gus happy and as healthy as possible with his diabetes for the past eight years, but, I'm selfish. I want more time. But, I don't want it at the expense of Gus' comfort and quality of life.

So, please pray (or offer well-wishes) for my sick cat, and for me to make the right decisions as the situation becomes more clear, okay?

And, everyone pray for Patti, too. (I'm so sorry this is coming up on top of your sorrow. *Hugs you tight*)